It doesn't have to rhyme!

Her arm against the chainsaw

A monstrous mechanical maw

The pain continues to persist

Therefore she refuses to resist

And thus the saw is turned on

An instant later the arm is gone

Seeing her arm at her side

The pain in her head subsides

Unsure of what to do next

Her phone blinks from a text

Who could be texting her, now

And not thinking this through, ow

As the shock begins to wear off

She suppresses regrets with a scoff

She’s feeling dizzy, sleepy and hurt

She dreams of her nomadic life, in a yurt

And one last thought for her friends

To the lot of whom she frequently lends

Her countless books in mint condition

Only to get them back through extradition

Of the books of hers they’d keep

And not one for one final, deep sleep
She vehemently refuses to die

Her phone she spots with her eye

She dials using her good arm

To lure paramedics with her charm

Even though that’s not necessary

Later she finds out one’s named Larry

He asks her all sorts of questions

Trying to protect her from infections

He quickly dresses her wound

But he fears that she is doomed

He finally asks what did this to her

The ambulance now going much faster

Never too fond of perjury

She says “self inflicted injury”

Bedroom legs at 5 a.m.

I am sofa king
My domain is street fighter
Let me dazzle you

A challenger, a challenger, my kingdom for a challenger.

That's all I've ever wanted. Only a few have truly delivered. I revel in losing, it means I'm being challenged. It means I'm challenging myself to step up my game. Pun intended. That's about it, there's really not much more to it. I've been good at Street fighter for most of my life and will continue to do so until I die.

Maybe I won't die though. I am being a bit pessimistic, assuming I'll die. Maybe I'll transcend the boundaries of this life and live on in pixel form. I could come back as a Street Fighter arcade machine and live out my afterlife as two dimensional illustrations. But then how would I see? I would be flat and always facing my, also flat, opponent. That would be maddening. I would see nothing but a thin line that would get closer or further. I guess I would look that way to the computer anyway. So what does it matter.

Alas, that would suck. People who don't know how to play or play well, would play me. Pun intended. I would get sucked into fights I can't win. I would have to depend on his physical abilities. They pull me in promises of hardships. I receive little to nothing. One day I will find someone new. Coherency not necessary.

Do a hadouken
Right after you jump in
Make sure you link it

Jokes? I like jokes...

Hey you! don't touch that
Do you not know what that is?
It's a gun , of course

So some funny stuff is coming your way. Do you have that anticipation? Like when you're at a concert, a comedy club, a sporting event. Just before it starts, you're brimming with anticipation. It's almost too much to bear, as the curtains part, the lights dim, the spotlight centres. Even if the show sucks, you still had that anticipation, and that was fun, however short it may have been.

So back to the funny stuff. Are you ready? Here it is. Black people choosing to sit on the back of the bus. Really, guys? This is what we're doing now? Alright... And then there are Jews sending their kids off to camp for the summer. Really, guys? This is what we're doing now? Alright... Finally there are the Armenians who eat Turkeys for Thanksgiving. Actually that last one is pretty awesome. If you don't get it then don't worry about it. But I'm sure the people who read this are knowledgeable enough to get it. Notice how I didn't say educated enough? I know you did. Good job.

So this is the third paragraph that I've started with the word so. But I'm sure you've caught on to that as well. Here's another pat on the back. Well, a voucher for one anyone, redeemable the next time you see me in person (must print this blog entry and provide at time of redemption).

So that's about it. I hope you found that funny. If you didn't then so what? So you think you're deserving of funny, like it's owed to you or something? You've got some nerve. Whatever, you can suck it.

So leave a comment, subscribe, join the RSS, whatever you have to do to get me to know you like me or hate me. Just don't be indifferent. I couldn't bear that.

There's something coming
There's always something coming
Better be prepared

Joy Division

I just found this out
I mean I knew it happened
There's a name for it

She waits for him to come
His stench most fearsome
And just as quickly he leaves
She patiently waits for the next one

Terrible can’t begin to describe
The thing she’s endured in life
Not one of her choosing
Rife with pain and strife

Now with her belly swelling
Her hate would know no quelling
An unwilling participant
Of the child’s father there would be no telling

Even then she knows no rest
Continually questioning God’s cruel test
A part of her dies
Every time they ask “who’s next?”

When finally she does give birth
All she has in abundance is dearth
No one’s left to mourn her passing
Merciful is her exit from Earth

At his birth there is no joy
Crueler still is the sex, a boy
Better a culprit than a victim
The future owner of another dejected toy

Worry not for there is a happy ending
And your view of reality requires no bending
For war is perpetual and man will not know peace

And a bullet for each of these men is pending

I would not wish this
On any living creature
Except those who do

It's been a while

She's invisible
But only in the darkness
As if it matters

Vampires. They rape virgins, not break up with them, attempt suicide after hearing of the aforementioned virgin's death, then ask said virgin to marry him upon finding out she's still alive. They burst into flames when they sun's rays touch them, penetrate them even, making them quite the homophobic monsters. Violent lives, ending violently (<3 Alan Moore). They don't look like they went to town on glitter and other sparkly accessories. They live in castles and mansions and other places where they can brood. They don't live in close proximity to werewolves, and if they did, they would rip the face of their real estate agent off, prior to moving.

Werewolves. They don't have to be Native. I actually think that's pretty racist, in fact. They don't turn into giant wolves. They turn into wolf-type hominids. They don't walk around shirtless. Werewolves are not Matthew McConaughey. They don't turn on a whim. They need the full moon to be present.

Mormons. They don't write books. Anyone who has read anything by Stephanie Meyer can confirm this. They also believe black skin to be a sin. Oh and black people can as of 2004 (or something like that) get into heaven.

If you're going to reinvent something, don't make it shitty. Examples:

Vampires. Instead of dying when hit by sunlight, they hemorrhage internally. Prolonged exposure causes excruciating, messy deaths. No ashes, just a pile of indistinguishable meat and bones. No super strength, speed, hearing, sight, nothing. Just regular people that need to have human blood as part of their diet. Without it they get sick and potentially die. Oh and AIDs is a serious problem for these vampires.

Werewolves. They wear shirts. They're not all ripped and tanned and perfectly waxed. They only turn at night, moonlight being the catalyst. Once turned, they don't have any of their human memories. They don't kill for fun, only if they're hungry (eating at night before going out will ensure you don't kill any humans). They have a wolf's body and the head of a human (a very hairy version of their human face). They really enjoy the company of dogs.

Mormons. They don't believe what some asshole says when he reads from tablets that he has hidden in a hat.

Know that I love you
Even though I don't know you
Hard as that may be